Inspiration

It's a New Season

2010-05-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

Summer has brought a new season into my life and with that I am starting fresh.

I'll be transferring to this blog: http://humble4love.wordpress.com/

I will be posting new and some old blogs from here for those that haven't read my old writings.

So cheers!

The Phantom

2010-05-05T03:32:00.001-07:00

I truly understand the extent of my love for you,
as it reflects the pain I suffer as you leave.
My plans were perfectly drawn out,
it was to end beautifully,
but one of the cast members is missing,
as she had run to the other door,
and her eyes caught mine as she made her leave.

Lights shining upon the stage
and eyes transfixed upon our every stride.
The world sits on the edge of its seat,
waiting to hear the colors of your voice
as I convinced them it is the sweetest to see,
for it was the first script we had together.

But one is not sure of what to believe,
as life is to move on but it feels to stand still.
Leave me with it,
allow the moment to be painted within my heart.

Painting from the Heart

2010-04-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

The love from my lips,
starts to paint a picture
unknown to the world of those perceiving,
and left to those to feel the colors with their heart.
How is one to capture the thoughts,
as the heart walks blindly in emotions?
Gripped with fear of past happenings,
it can only spill and throw paint
at the mirror it stands before,
in the hopes to smear and blend colors
to disrupt the image that may shine back into its eyes.

Go ahead,
pull the shades over the windows,
block out the light that wishes to peer inside to your house.
But the longing within you,
wishes to feel the wonders of laughter,
and to see the color of love.
So do not stand long,
nor ponder on those standing still,
all around you will come and go.
Learn to stretch what is before you,
as single stroke can bring the life to the portrait.

Peace

2010-04-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

My heart spills tears to see,
it hurts as I look forward and wonder,
what is to become of this war.
It seems so scary,
when the agenda is all about you
imagining the possibilities of living in discomfort,
the nightmares out to steal your dreams.
It seems so unreal,
when the hallway of life doesn't end,
and the fear of losing happiness
or being robbed of your innocence and safety
starts to flash brightly before your eyes.
It is so easy,
to get stuck with a small picture
to represent our world and purpose
but it all disappears instantly,
the moment you step into His presence.
As He takes your hand,
the world becomes so light,
as fear turns to peace
and your sadness into joyous streams.
His love is so great...Praise to Him.

Timing

2010-04-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

Your ideas and adventures catch me off guard,
as you teach me your ways
I walk dazed and confused as I search,
standing in the midst of others
but remaining completely unaware by others.
My eyes search to feel the tug,
to find someone to love,
as your beauty begins to shine.
The hope of seeing you
every waking moment of life,
brings a joy unimaginable to my heart
and the hope of all things good.

Closest Companion

2010-03-20T01:56:00.000-07:00

My heart aches for the pain I have caused,
you alone, friend, have given me wisdom
to bring compassion and comfort,
to show the feelings of true love.
Let me never forsake you again,
as you are my teacher and true friend.

What now is there to do,
as time falls through
and eternity approaches,
what shall my heart feel?
It has a longing to be closer,
yet the distance seems to grow
as my eyes deceive me from truth,
I must rest on knowing from you.

The Fight for Identity

2010-03-05T01:46:00.000-08:00

To realize the full extent of our identity in Christ, we must come to realize the fullness of our inheritance as sons and daughters of God.

This is our being. This is what we were created to have and be.

Graham Cooke spoke of our identity coming out of our earthly personality, but also of heaven's perspective of us.

Meaning God has created us uniquely, each with different gifts and different spirits (introverted, extroverted, etc.), but we are also to align with the heaven's creation of us which is in the image of Christ.

Romans 8:11-17- Talks about dying in the flesh and living in the Spirit and becoming sons of God.

Now switching over to Galatians 5:22 which speaks of the fruits of the Spirit. Are we not suppose to bear these fruits of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control?

Are we not living lies when we do not bear these fruits every second of our lives? Is our goal to become like our Papa, to be the image of Christ, or are we living to become the image of the one trying to destroy us?

There is a lie we are living if we become angry instead of loving and gentle.

There is a lie we are living if we are fearful and hopeless instead of joyful and a resonance of peace in our hearts.

We have control of ourselves. No one has control of us unless we allow it.

We have the Holy Spirit. He is brilliant at everything. This includes healing the wounds of our past or conquering that fear.

Romans 8:29 is our promise, our prophetic word. It is time to fight circumstances with our prophetic words instead of circumstances fighting them down.

So you have the tools to conquer at your right hand. You are anointed to be King one day by the Kings of Kings, so go out now and conquer Goliath with your promise of kingship...

Psalm 2

2010-03-04T18:24:00.000-08:00

How am I suppose to feel?
I come to rest with you but this question still remains.
Am I suppose to mourn as I see into a possible destruction?
This spirit that wanders within the house torments me,
as it consumes those I love.
When will they truly give themselves up to you?
When will they surrender their hearts to your ways?
I long to see them healed as I feel the tension and pain in their souls.
They have grown up in a pattern of slow destruction,
reaping in the lies they have sown.

Lord, come rescue our hearts!
You alone are always good and love us truly.
You are my roots and I have grown to love you,
you remain faithful and holy with justice,
I will praise you, for you are worthy of praise.
My heart will turn to joy from the manifest of your glory
and rest will find my weariness
as the promise is fulfilled.

Belashi

2010-02-27T23:35:00.000-08:00

I see your painful heart.
You've left it pinned to the wall.
As you walk around as a hollow being,
it is there constantly as a reminder
to crush any gleams of hope for the door.
The house you've built
has become you're very own prison
as the foundation does not hold strong,
and the enemy has come to dwell,
and the life seems to be brittle with sorrow.

What shall I do for you?
My heart longs to love but it can only enter by doors,
not by climbing walls of stone.
You've been by my side my life
yet my hugs are not returned,
words of love fall short from my lips.

Pierce the heart of my Belashi,
overflow her cup with life again.

Only Intimacy

2010-02-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

Intimacy-Into-me-u-see

God prevented a crutch in my life.
I went through a season of seeing numerous breakthroughs and healings, personal encounters with God, and learning the parts of my identity as a son of God. I started to receive and give words of knowledge which set the stage to the healing the person would receive from Jesus. It was incredible.

Then it seemed to stop.

The healings occurred every once in awhile and the words of knowledge accuracy rate dropped tremendously. I thought I was doing something wrong or that God just wanted me to shift to a different position and learn a new gift.

He shifted me and I did learn new gifts...
But I still have the previous anointing.

He shifted me into a season of rest. He wanted to destroy the performance based heart once and for all.
He wanted to teach me how to be a lover instead of only a son.
I was to rely completely on him. I did not perform the healings. He did. I only held on to the promises.

He didn't want me to replace intimacy with experiences. My experiences are to remind me of my Papa, not replace my Father. He wanted my heart completely. He wanted to teach me how to love and be loved.

He has taught me of the perfect love. I no longer fear because He is the safest place.

Fears and Compassion

2010-02-04T00:50:00.000-08:00

I'm changing things up a bit. This one isn't a poem...

I was a guest speaker at my friend's newly made youth group. It consist anywhere between 0-12 high schoolers.

It was my first time speaking on a message I prepared.
It wasn't anything formal.
It's a strange thing to speak in front of people one has just met.
You have no personal background of each of them.
They are going through a critical period, a launching point, a leaping point to their next season.

I personally do not find myself a great speaker. Most of my thoughts are fantastic in my head but to communicate them to others in a comprehensible way is far from a great strength unless I have time to process.

I feel I can get my points across, but quite often I feel I may say too much and possibly offend them. But I may just be over-thinking and critical.

But these feelings do derive from fear but also of compassion. As I spoke to these young adults, I want them to fully realize His love. I want to set a firm foundation for them earlier before I even got it.

However.

I trust in Him. I planted the seed.

He is the grower.

So...good day.

Strings

2010-01-28T10:46:00.000-08:00

Jason asked the group to express our feelings a week ago by writing or drawing...naturally, I wrote a poem.

Circumstances pressing in,
my body wonders if this is real
an illusion, a dream,
as the natural and spiritual struggle to overcome each other
and my mind, soul and heart have become the rope being pulled.
The world says to be myself,
to be happy, to be independent
but that "to be" has a string attached
as it drags the heaviness of "you are".
But you intervene,
your words of love pierce my heart,
cutting the strings holding onto me
releasing me to breathe,
no longer a controlled puppet.
So I will dance freely
as a hand does not dangle me,
but yours has set me to my feet.

Blind Emotions

2010-01-26T00:19:00.000-08:00

Cries and utterances try to escape
this beating prison inside.
Out comes overwhelming thoughts and compulsions,
to suppress them would only lead them astray
and to gnaw away at my love and composure,
as they bash and scratch against the walls
and longingly look past the prison bars
to the lightness and pure clouds above.

Rationality stands over guard,
as he beats them within me
to stay, be quiet, stop crying,
your longings and dreams will be forgotten,
stay in line and you will live,
scream out and no one will hear,
not a second glance as they walk by.

They cannot stay still.
A gentle wind whispers to them of a coming,
a new love, a new hope, a new dream.
They are stirred,
only to cry out for mercy to the chasing winds,
asking to be shown, asking to see.
The fortress walls suddenly crash,
as the sight has an unexpected reality
and they are free to walk into a beauty.

Seasons

2010-01-18T01:19:00.000-08:00

The night brings a calming to my soul,
as stars chase after the dimming light,
but as my heart lies in the middle of the road,
my mind races in both directions,
there seems no clear indication of signs.
Light glistens from the damp ground,
as a leaf and its brother follow suit to my hand,
the lightness of life send off my senses,
my breath caught in a stillness of the beauty.

Where to go
as mystery hides behind the veil of darkness,
and leaves of life leave their home to join others
to leave the once beautiful tree, bare.
I will stay with you tree,
as seasons will come,
beauty will be restored
the twinkling eyes in the night sky
will be our light.

God-breathed

2010-01-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

Theopneustos is 'God breathed' in the Greek. It is where we draw the word "inspiration" from. An inspired person is defined as ‘theophoretos’ (God borne) and by ‘pneumatophoros’ (Spirit borne).

The very essence of us is all three. The passions of hearts are inspirations from our Father. It's a sad thought of how much religion has been driven into our love for God that very definition of 'love' has become perverted.

This love has been turned into a performance without grace.
It has come from selfish ambition. It is without humility.

Humility is not lowering your self-esteem or the strengths of who you are.
It is being a servant. It is honoring other values over yours first.

We breath to love.
We were born to be loved.

Jesus breathed a life of unconditional love.
No strings attached.
The Holy Spirit teaches us this. We live by the Spirit, not of the flesh.
So lets live by faith. Lets live by this love.

Love. Mercy. Grace.

2010-01-05T18:52:00.001-08:00

The truth has been there in my mind, heart, and soul.
I just didn't know how to put it in words.
I just hadn't fully grasped it.
Love, mercy, and grace.
It was all we needed. It is the one thing He longed to give.
And we are redeemed to be come back fully into His image...just the way we were made to be.
He has called us into his divine nature.
It is not of us to judge because He doesn't judge anymore.
It is not of us to anger because He only knows of good thoughts.
This thought of my Father...somehow was lost amongst many.
But I'll hold on to it with my life. It is life.
Forgiveness is life. Not judgement.
Love is life. Not hatred.
Love is the new justice. Not punishment.
There is no fear in perfect love.
And it is already given...just receive.

Simplicity

2009-12-22T00:38:00.000-08:00

This idea of living in simplicity has been nagging at my heart for quite some time. I'm not sure what my spirit is making of it but I definitely feel it approaching.

Perhaps it will be my new season.

I hope so.

It sounds like a marvelous idea.

To be completely void of most communications and noise of the walking media around me.

To become a free spirit, among only of myself and God to guide me.

Perhaps it will be a time to come. The day I may be like Abraham.

The day I may be a nomad.

With no strings attached with my love for God.

But I will keep on pursuit to see what is truly my destiny...

Surrender

2009-12-07T23:56:00.000-08:00

Unconditional surrender to the Living God is my heart's cry.
To know my Father without fear of lacking provision or protection.
I've grown in a lifestyle where luxuries are always within my grasp and a menu appears before me as I look into the kitchen fridge.
The idea of poverty seems so alien to my life experience that it almost brings pain instead of thankfulness to my heart.
Papa, I don't perform for your love, but give me more of you at any cost! Allow me to dine with your presence before the presence of our enemies constantly.
Give me a greater love for you! Help me become a greater friend!
Teach me to worship you the way it is done fully in heaven!
Replace the desires of this world with your heart and passions, Papa...
Thank you Papa for your love.
Thank you for your countenance.
Thank you Jesus for being our King.
The King of Glory.
The King above all Kings.
The King of Heaven...and of earth.
The Lover of my Soul.

Humble Endings

2009-08-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

These are interesting days I live.

Strings of thoughts and feelings float and pass through this busy house.

I walk down the hall and can't help the feelings of my surroundings grow taller.

I shouldn't have had that drink. I can't seem to reach the door.

Light peers through the window and temporarily warms my hope with the sight of blue and white.

But there's nothing to hold on to for myself. Not these thoughts. Not these poor feelings.

So the thoughts and feelings will keep flying past me without a second glance.

I can only wait patiently with dreams of you.

My heart. My love.

2009-07-28T23:25:00.000-07:00

The rose turns colorless before her presence,
As it drops from the losing of your senses.
You can only stand there as pearls drape the night canvas,
As she stands there with a smile.
Your breath escapes to the night,
as time stands still with the beating of your heart.
You stand there cold,
stirring up words to describe the moment
but her touch simply floods a warmth into your life.
Only a smile is felt by you.

Tears of Heaven

2009-07-28T01:57:00.001-07:00

She finally sparkles with his grace,
as the past and present collide in the midst of her eyes,
her heart finally opens to the beauty,
and is carried gently by a Father's love.
As tears capture the lover's dreams,
the flow of its path shows her tranquility,
and the beauty sheds her tear with hope.
The tear falls and cries out to the clouds
as the joys of heavens pour out its love,
soaking her with tears of devotion.

Past and Pending

2009-07-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

There's a quiet voice inside everyone's heart,
often containing those wishful thoughts and regretful lies.
holding us back from the true reality of who we ought to be
or leaving us in an empty state of helplessness
similar to us trying to stop water with our bare hands.

Sometimes I can't help but listen,
as the idea of an alternate reality dances before my eyes,
the very same way red fall leaves dance with the winds.
The idea stops abruptly, quickly gasping for more life
as the last bit disappears before my heart's eyes.
As I have an everlasting flame kindling before me,
I can't help but dream of my possibilities.

The Nomad

2009-06-30T00:10:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of thinking lately just haven't been able to follow through and lay it out on writing. But I wrote this awhile ago:

You teach me how to run,
as I am along your side.
I undress my worries
as you tell me of your deepest love for me.
You seem to know where we are going,
but I have yet to see the path,
I only have the slightest clue while following you.
So I'll keep on breathing,
I'll keep on chasing the winds
until we meet the seas.

Lost in Transitions

2009-05-21T22:57:00.000-07:00

You stand there awkwardly,
no words come to mind.
You've lost your sense of reality,
claiming to be fully present with your eternal sunshine,
but I'm only seeing the empty half of you,
and longing for the fuller half of your love.

Your words lack of color,
as your inspirations are tangled in the vines of the world.
They try to suffocate your love with their violence
but your eyes sparkle in the light,
vibrant with a hidden complexity
that no one else can see,
but everyone can feel and is distraught by.

You float on with hunger,
as you are unsatisfied without change.

So you'll keep chasing after your love,

he will keep you up as a strong breeze,
so stay steady, my little kite.
Do not be afraid of tricks and risk.
He will be there to lift you up again,
if you only give him a chance,
if you will only look to him once more.

What it's really about....

2009-04-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

It's not the fact that sin is the beginning. It's about that love is the end.

It's not about the flaws we hold, but the beauty we store.

It's not about a life of rules and good morals, but living a life without limits.

It's not about doing good deeds, but whether your heart can one day be the cause of those deeds.

It's not about a life we should not live. It's about a life we were made to live.

It's not about a life striving for perfection, but a life knowing we have perfection.

It's not just about learning. It's about growing and teaching.

It's not just learning how to stand, but learning how to fall and stand back up.

It's not the idea that hope is foolish. It's the idea that it can save.

It's not about religion. It's about our relationship with Him.

It's not about knowing we are not perfect. It's about knowing that we are redeemed...

Thinking: Part 1

2009-04-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

I've been re-evaluating my thoughts as of lately. It's a strange idea when you actually think about. And actually thinking about that idea is even stranger.

Think about it:
You think of a thought. Then you think about those thoughts and decipher why those thoughts pieced together in your mind (such as the cause or personal mental processing). Sometimes you take it a step farther (I'm pretty sure it's not further) and think of a way to make that thought into reality, or ways to dispose those thoughts or mental thinking (at least I do sometimes in a ways to improve myself).

On top of all of this thinking is actually thinking about that thinking.

I think my brain is done thinking about this thinking for now. I will continue on my next post...

Friend

2009-04-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile old friend,
you still haven't changed your delicate ways.
You still have that wrinkled smirk on your face,
and no one will be granted to steal that,
not after what you have done,
not after the life you have outlived.

So go on living out the days,
there is no reason to hide.
No one can stop you now,
so let your light shine freely,
fly to your highest height,
I'll always be here for you.

Showing up to War

2009-04-12T00:34:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I wrote. I'm keeping this one short, and brief compared to my other stuff.

Imagine this:
You are living in the Middle Ages and are a knight for a righteous King. The King has blessed you, provided for you, and given justice and freedom to his people. But an has enemy come to bring war upon the city in which you dwell in. The King continues to give provisions but as weapons he has only sent sticks asking to trust him on his decision. Flicking the stick around but not seeing any significance except for it's power to break in two, you abandon the idea of war as for having no weapons, grab your belongings and flee the area...

We are equipped beyond what we are probably used to or can actually see but there is no use to it if we don't even show up for battle.

You have the best hand, are you going to fold for a bluff?

Thoughts...

You

2009-03-31T01:41:00.000-07:00

You are amazing. I want to get to know You.

Do You know just how amazing and spectacular You are?

Because I possibly do not. But I want to get to know You.

What I do know is that God made You in his glory.
That You are good because God is good.
That You are made perfect in his image.

In my eyes, You are beautiful because You are beautiful in his eyes.
The world tries to tell me what beauty is but I know the truth.
I can see the beauty that the world may never see.

Yet, I'm relentless for more. So that's where You come in.
You have passions from God that I have yet to discover.
The personality You have is yet another master piece that I want to love.
And what good coming from You can I not fall in love with?

After all, You were made in royalty. So just tell me how amazing You are?

(this is the part where You leave a comment so I can take You out to coffee or lunch or email You...)

No Title

2009-03-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

I couldn't decide if I liked them joined or separated so I left them as the way I wrote it...

If you could only see my heart move,
as time passes by.
And as your hands turn and twist around my eyes,
my heart slows to the stillness of the moment.
And as light reflects the colors of meaning,
and shadows give depth for my eyes,
your world brings breath to my dreams,
your love becomes my life.

Think...and change your world view...

2009-03-19T00:47:00.000-07:00

This is just going to be a snip-it. I think that's a English word...I don't know, I'm not English.

It's on my heart I need to pose and address to you guys what you think of healings, raising the dead, and miracles in general...the mere mentioning of miracles in our generation seems to only raise a lot of skeptics instead of believers.

And it fathoms me because how does a Jesus follower actually deny raising people from the dead when that is what our whole faith is about? Why do we have this posture that God is not living among us now and we can't do miracles like Jesus or the Apostles?

I mean God did miracles through Moses and this was before Jesus right? Or do I have my history wrong?

How can we believe that miracles do not happen and yet still claim "God is God. He is the ultimate power, he is the greatest love" ?

How can we say that God is not here on earth with us and yet claim to have the Holy Spirit in us? Is there not a trinity? Did Jesus not give us power and authority through him over the earth? Did he not send the Holy Spirit?

I can keep going but I would love to hear feedback. I don't want plain agreement, but positive criticism and other views. Thanks guys.

Dreams

2009-03-11T04:02:00.000-07:00

It is the strangest thing

to be woken up in the middle of the night.

It felt like God personally

shook me out of my dreams,

to only wake up

into a dream that's not my own sense of reality.

My foggy memory rewinds

the former movie clip reeling in my head,

but I lie there staring

as lights continually beam the numbers 3:58,

while patiently waiting

for a noise to shatter that window of silence

as I contemplate

the dream being a missing puzzle piece to my world.

But that world quickly ends

as I doze off into a new story.

Little story times

2009-03-02T23:27:00.000-08:00

I'm in a strange mood, and it is in these times I just need to write my thoughts out. So please excuse the scatterness (is that a word?) and poor organization, and just enjoy the process of my brain:

My friend moved away to the army. I don't know the next time I'll see him.

Sometimes I wished I joined the army but I know God isn't calling me there.

When I was driving on Bonnyview, a fox randomly crossed the street. Why it crossed, only comedians will know...

I'm curious about what a lot of old friends are doing. I really want to just go get coffee and talk to them or to anyone really. Wow...my heart got super excited with that thought. You know what that means...well maybe you do.

I really want to make a new shirt design but I have way too much school work to do.

My heart emotions are in contradiction with my brain.

I really enjoy Zen tea now.

I can hear the ocean waves rawr...I really want to go to the coast.

I like rawr better than roar.

I really need rest and I really want to break free...and just dance.

So far the subjects I want for my photo project are bouncy balls and oval mirrors or just things to alter light...

0 is 1/2 of infinite...weird.

Ok I think I'm done.

The Path Intended

2009-02-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

So it is only starting to click inside of me.

That Jesus is inside of me.

He is also inside of you.

God gave all authority to Jesus.
Jesus gave authority to us in the spirit.

Jesus was heaven. He was restoring the earth.

Therefore...see the pattern? If A=B and B=C then well B=C right?

I had this idea all around me. I heard it just never seen it clearly in scripture. Actually I have just forgot.

And it is so easy to forget isn't it? So easy to not remember that we are royalty. We are princes and princesses, sons and daughters of Gods. It is like we are mini-Gods...except only through God himself.

Jesus died for us. Jesus was raised from the dead. Jesus was born in us. Heaven is in us.

I've heard this for the past year and it has finally checked into my heart. And I've been struggling with what are my strengths and weaknesses until God spoke directly about it.

That I have the power to do anything in Jesus' name. That I no longer have to ask God as if he is in heaven but I just listen to my spirit to open heavens' gates. That I can pray directly for the miracle because I have power from God.

Our name in God.

2009-02-10T22:23:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling we've missed the importance and bases of our name a lot. Our name represents our being. It's a way to identify who we are as a whole...passions, goals, views, laughter, family...everything. It is our connection to be a unique individual...yet I feel most of us don't even have that true connection or know the importance of our name.

Let me elaborate my meaning.

Going back all the way to Adam, Eve and the apple, we were deceived by Satan that we could be like God. That we can make a name for ourselves without God.

Satan himself believed himself to be higher than God. He wanted...no still wants to deceive others to worship his name, to worship things that gives praise to his name instead of God's. Satan believes he can make a name for himself without God...and even above God.

Abram...Jacob...Saul...God's appearance and experiences changed their lives. They changed from following their path to follow God's. God gave them a new name...showed them their true identity, showed them exactly how amazing they are in his glory, in his name.

The more I've been pursuing God...

The more I've been putting down my pride and reputation of my name down for God's name...

The more I've been feeling peace and fulfillment. The more I've been understanding my identity in Jesus' name.

I hope you all find who you truly are instead of the name the world gives you.

Love and Gucci Handbags...

2009-01-29T22:52:00.000-08:00

This economic recession is getting the best of most Americans. It is hard to really grasp the troubles of others as I sit in the comfort of my parent's home writing a blog, but at the same time I haven't been reckless with my the earnings I have received.

It grieves my heart...I read a story of two parents committing suicide and killing their two children a few days after they lost their jobs. The parents decided they had no other choice and didn't want to leave their children in other hands so selfishly took them with them...

Meanwhile, West Los Angeles consist of shoppers buying expensive luxeries but hiding them in 'no-brand' bags to lower being noticed. Stealth wealth and shame shoppers...it sickens me. A lady pretended to have bought a gift only to have that $1200 Gucci hangbag she bought given to herself...

What is wrong with this picture...what is wrong with both of these pictures...America has become so reckless and so easily driven to become dependent on money...to idolize it.

I want to change this.
God has given me a heart to change this lifestyle.
He's given this blessing to go to college on the debt of my parents.
He has given me a life-style I couldn't be more thankful for.

I want to take his blessings and bless others with it.
I want to support the team going to stop human trafficking.
I want to live an example out among others.
I want to give to the starving children of Africa.
I want to love my neighbor and not expect anything in return.

I want to love others because of God's love for us.

God show me the best way to love others in their individual needs.

If right is wrong and being wrong isn't right, what is right?

2009-01-11T15:39:00.000-08:00

I truly despise those days that consist of great new revelations or ideas but slowly disappear in an instant.

It's one of those days for me.

I've been having trouble being around people and sometimes myself as of lately. It's not the instance that I despise others, don't connect or any of those other stumbling blocks you come across with the greeting and growing relationship with humans.

No. It is the times that the surroundings are producing a negative energy; when the environment I am stuck in brings in fear, or hate and causes me to struggle to be myself.

Causes me to not love. Or worse, it brings out the evil that isn't of me, but ends up attaching to me.

It is one of those things I'll never understand exactly why humans hold on to a weird pride issue instead of building each other up...

The Art of Lies

2009-01-07T00:17:00.000-08:00

For those that haven't known me for an extended period of time, I'm a very unique person when it comes to friendships. Especially if I just met you. Let me elaborate...

There came a point in my life (last summer to be exact) when a friend and I found it entertaining and challenging to manipulate and lie to people. Most importantly though was being able to read reactions and thoughts. It really does become an art but don't get me wrong, we never lied about anything serious. It usually involved simple questions such as my name, my ethnicity, or just a sly sarcastic remark for a rather unintelligent question...

So you're probably wondering exactly how this (cruel) idea is exactly a game...well it's simple. It usually consists of reading the person's emotions/reactions, playing on ideas and then holding the bluff pretending you have the better cards.

Ok it doesn't have anything to do with have better cards...

What it does consist of is usually making a hyperbolic idea sound believable all the while holding a straight face. The one thing you have to be aware of is whether the person is reverse the psychology and pretending to believe you.

So there is a benefit behind all of this, besides the ability to get out of sticky situations...

The ability to read emotions, to be able to understand the way a person processes information, the body language a person gives off while deciphering what to say next opens up a whole new way to connecting to a person. It brings a new perception of being able to understand if there is deeper meaning or story to a simple "Things are pretty good".

Anyways, the days of silly lies are over since it does end up building a reputation when can't tell if you're serious or not. I still use my perception to try to understand people...

Remembrance

2009-01-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

An interesting thought came across me tonight. I was reading into the idea of "anti-kingdom" and thoughts about some of the things we honor...well is it actually honorable?

Monuments such as the great pyramids...built by slaves that were tortured, beaten, maimed, and slaughtered if they didn't get their work done. If they didn't meet their quota set by the higher powers. Should we be honoring these monuments?

Clearly they are amazing feats by humans but what purpose did their spilled blood serve? The Pharaohs made these pyramids as a home for their "after-life" and to leave a power feat for others to remember by...but do we want to remember that?

I guess it's a way of remembrance for those who died...and not really a honor for the Pharaoh.

My song

2009-01-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

This feeling, the passion inside my heart,
it glows the idea of unconditional love.
This dream of questions asked,
isn't about how your day is,
but about how amazing you are,
how God sculpted you beautifully,
how you became you.

These individualistic gifts I haven't seen,
the secrets to the unseen love in a stranger,
I seek to see all of it.
I want to put together the pieces of God's art.
This is the symphony my spirit yearns to play,
this is the song I will perfom.

Fog

2008-12-15T22:53:00.000-08:00

This night was different from the others.
I drove alone as my headlights lit my path,
it was like a dream as the night settled in.
A strange eerie stranger crept in with the night,
covering the earth with a dense coolness,
ungraspable but floating before me.
Lights suddenly appearing ahead of me
revealing itself from behind this stranger,
as others are consumed into the darkness
to far for my eye to see.

Mindset

2008-12-14T23:47:00.000-08:00

A part of me has died,
in my heart, in my soul,
a black veil has covered it,
it has captured my courage,
devoured it, ripped it apart
and I'm left wondering
where did she go,
where did my love go?

I will never end my journey,
my love will never cease for you.

I'm a romantic, I promise.

2008-11-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

Hidden behind a veil,
this love that none have seen
can only be awakened,
can only be captured,
by the song of a beauty,
by the glance of her eyes.

These symphonies, this beating passion
bestowed upon me by a greater love.
Gently flowing, delicately blooming,
the elegance of my song
has not come to past.
The season is not here,
the time is not right.

My secret, my love
will not be aroused or woken,
until it so desires.
So my dreams will keep going,
as my heart keeps on beating.

First fall of tears...

2008-11-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful night. It really was.

A tear fell...but it wasn't salty or full of sorrow.

It was pure. It was of love. It was to bring restoration.

It was a beautiful night. It really was.

I stood there catching these tears into my hand,

As the heavens cried out and poured their love into the earth.

Life flowed in and around me...

Then it stopped.

Complete utter silence... abrupt stillness.

A peace that radiated into the night...

...as the earth was satisfied with the drink God provided.

And I stood gasping for more.

God spoke to me that night. And it was breathtaking.

Montage of a Sleepless night

2008-10-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

A cold bitter night, a beautiful starry sky...God...three cool friends of mine...

And an endless road.

A constant blur of lights, dancing trees...a cd repeating itself, at my count of 4 times, before a plea for silence as the barrage of noise was blocking my array of mindless thoughts and sleepy mind.

Thoughts of God...peace...my (future) wife...my hopes and dreams...

Acceleration...losing focus, half conciousness...deceitful sleeping with a surprising awakening to those around me...

Darkness filled with motionless fireflies to high to reach...

Standing outside gazing at the beauty of God's personal roof he made for us...

Fingers getting numb...the coolness of God's breath on me...goosebumps secretly creeping up on me...as I am engulfed by God's glory

In 5 years...

2008-10-24T00:30:00.000-07:00

It all started with an ordinary, common question I asked my friend Kendall...

"What age will I get married?"

24

Geez, can he pick a more typical answer...

In five years, I may be married. Weird. It's hard to contemplate...or even grasp the idea of actually finding and being with the girl of my life, considering how young I am, what I plan to do, and since I haven't even had a serious relationship with a girl.

But it got me thinking that only five years ago, I was a freshman in high school. Weird.

I didn't have a relationship with God and only lived in Redding for a year. Thoughts of uncertainty, girls, Orange County, popularity, and grades filled my head constantly. God was the last thing I kept in contact with.

To see and think how much I have been filled with passion and love for God...is...baffling. And I thank God everyday for the opportunities I have, including being with him...and him calling me out that day, five years ago...

My spirit's faith

2008-10-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

God has gifted me with wisdom. I've come to terms to that.

What has taken much more time to figure out a deeper insight into the wisdom is thinking out of reality and believing in the spirituality of this world. But more over to listen to my spirit's wisdom instead of my own which my heart is slowly adapting to...

So over the past month, I've been running into a topic of different beliefs. Discernment and the supernatural. Dreams and reality. Exaggerated truths, fiction, miracles, past powers...

Power of healings, resurrections, teleporting, speech in tongues, people engulfed in the spirit, God's electricity, gold dust, flawless gems, angel feathers, walking on water...

Why is it so hard to imagine some of these or, for some of us, all of these when there is a God so big and so extraordinary that it shouldn't even be in question that if it's his will, it will be done.

I understand the view that we are human and so hey, why not belittle ourselves. After all, we shouldn't have a heavenly perspective of ourselves, that we won't be sitting on a throne next to God, that Jesus called us out as disciples because he knew we couldn't follow him or perform the same miracles, and finally, because God didn't make us in his image.

But maybe I'm wrong for having faith in some miracles. Maybe people haven't been raising others from the dead. Maybe I have a foolish, blind faith...kind of like when I first went into believing this Jesus guy...

Either way, when it comes to discerning if a story is exaggerated or if someone is actually "drunk" with the spirit, pray about it. At least the person is seeking God and so hopefully God will reveal the selfishness in the heart.

Joy in Mystery

2008-10-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, precisely one month on Friday since I jumbled a few new thoughts out of my scattered head and shared them with the probable few readers that actually take the time to read this.

But I'm ok with that. The significance of actually reading my thoughts aren't much...this is mainly used to write out any occurring thoughts that I find with any such importance to myself, or to others...or I just like to practice my typing and writing skills.

So I'll try to draw up a creative epiphany or story soon but for now all I find myself thinking of is tonight.

There was a girl caught my interest for once, and it's strange to me since I barely know her yet I felt like I found out parts of her personality. Plus I only noticed my slight interest due to myself rambling and feeling like a complete moron...

But what was compelling about this girl was her silence. She seemed conservative with her thoughts which only made me anxious to ask more about her, but I was afraid that it would draw attention to myself and my sudden interest to learn more about this girl.

Plus she was pretty...

So on a tangent, this only baffles me why I'm not so intrigued more by people that I have yet to befriend. I mean it's strange how relationships can develop. I have had friends that I hated the first time I met them, but then ironically we become really close friends.

But back to my main point, which was why aren't we more compelled to find out more about how amazing God made every single one of the unknown people. I guess it's a matter of pride, fear, and protection against our hearts or bodies...

A hidden truth

2008-09-19T19:58:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I wrote awhile ago...I feel like I should share it now.

You tell me there's nothing wrong,
the problems arising are only another dimension,
a figment of our imagination, but I know better.
Your eyes glass a hidden truth,
a glimmer of hope, a light in the dark
an idea, a dream awoken during those restful nights.
But now your eyes are caught staring,
your dreaming stop, eyelids flutter to life.
You have finally awaken to a new reality.

I should be...

2008-09-17T01:01:00.000-07:00

...Studying, but I not.

Or sleeping for that matter.

But God is stuck on my mind and I can't not focus.

God has been tearing at my heart, and I can't help but cry.

People that God loves are suffering

People that God loves need blessings

I can't imagine how God feels about the suffering world.

There's so much to give, so much to learn. My heart only cries out for more of God...

Acts is amazing...God is awesome...

The Enjoyment of math...

2008-09-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

Man, that is one smart monkey...

For those that don't know, God has gifted me in the mathematics...I pick it up fairly easily. When I say fairly, I mean it probably be much easier if I didn't fall asleep in class or write blogs instead of studying...but thats just me.

Anyways, I'm taking Calculus 2...yeah crazy. But I have a test tomorrow so I'm a bit nervous although I'm figuring out everything. I've been changing my attitude about school and actually trying to pick up better studying habits...the way I try to picture it is trying to enjoy and understand the complexity the world God made...if only he made math and physics easier...

Grocery list...

2008-09-05T00:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not really gonna get beer...although candy does sound good...

Ok I'm updating this and crossing out the ones I've done...
List of "Goals/To do's" for weekend:
1. Love people...
2. Finish C++ program..
3. Study for school
~~4.Talk to Reilly~~
5.Go Thrift Store shopping...
~~6. Hang out with friends...~~
~~7. Make a new friend!~~
8. Study Acts and spend time with my friend, God
9. Pray for people!
10. Ride my bicycle and ~~play football!~~
11. See how my friend Elisa is doing
12. Ask Kendall Bachman to marry me...

Ok, last one is a joke...just to clarify since you can't really be sarcastic with text...

My Prayer...

2008-09-03T00:06:00.000-07:00

Maybe my prayer has to do with the ending of "Face to Face" at the Stirring...maybe it has to do with seeing and feeling God's presence more and more often...maybe it's because of my constant striving for God's heart that I get so angry and anxious to share with how good God really is and just the freedom...

My prayer...that God's people would experience his love...that they would get moved by him and actually get to feel his spirit and have a relationship instead of just a simple hope or "blind faith" or no faith at all...

God...you are all I want and all I need...

District Sleeps...

2008-09-01T22:51:00.000-07:00

...alone tonight...

Amazing day. So much accomplished...I woke up at 10:54 am...a little over 8 hours of sleep. Checked the space to the my...ate a bagel with cream cheese...was still hungry so I ate left over chinese food...

Sleep again at 12:30...didn't wake up till 3:30. I've been told I'm a pretty peaceful sleeper...except for those random times I talk in my sleep...but yeah, not even babies sleep as well as I did.

Most of the day consisted of reading and talking at Starbucks. I made another shirt, it took me about 1 and a half hours to make...I think it'll be the last one on a black shirt for awhile...at least for complicated designs...

Flying...

2008-08-30T01:29:00.000-07:00

Pumped up by the spirit by an awesome Bethel worship service, I was feeling revived in God again. I've been feeling spiritually attacked a lot lately so this was really refreshing the past two days...although there is still something I'm hoping will happen...actually two...

First is renewal in friendships. I keep getting attacked that I'm going to lose friendships or distant off from them...there is one girl in particular i really just want to be friends with now that I'm over some lets say...'selfish' feelings?

Second...is to fly! Looking out at the city of Redding at night made me just want to soar over all the lights...man that sounds corny for some reason...

But yeah, I know God could give me the power...just didn't want to test him by jumping off the balcony two stories high...maybe I'll ask him to levitate me next time...

Tipsy...

2008-08-28T23:31:00.000-07:00

Tired, exhausted...I needed rest, not physically, but spiritually. My heart was heavy, my mind boggled by everything around me, I needed God.

A warrior of God picked me up, brought me to a spiritual place for rest. It was....interesting to say the least.

People drunk, a girl playing on the guitar, and a man playing on bongos that gave me a strange beat in my heart. As I got memorized by deep beat, I started to feel peace.

More drunk people come to the house, and the house went up in flames. A girl constantly yelling "JESUS! HOLY!" along with some other words that I couldn't understand and was sure if it was the speaking of another language...a holy language. The girl's vocabulary literally consisted of "Heeeyyy, Jesus, Ooooooooooh, holy ghost, and woooooow"...Running through my head were thoughts along the lines of "I'm freaking out...what is going on?"....

Man...if I didn't God...how creepy and weird this would of been.

Everyone stands up and we get into a circle and every sort of praise known to man and God breaks loose...well I guess we didn't have an animal sacrificial...that would of been even more intense...

Praises, random chants and songs, people laughing and falling to the floor, craziness...it was overwhelming. Laughter burst from my lips, legs start to feel a bit rubbery...

Now I'm pretty sure I've never been drunk in the spirit...but maybe this was just a tipsy form? Very few other times I've experienced the spirit like this...so it's kinda like drinking I suppose. You don't actually know if you're drunk until you experienced the different levels...

I mean...I've never been drunk...

Anyways, I need more of this. I need to hang out with Bethel students more often...

I think I just ate my whole house...

2008-08-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

Today seemed crazy...awesome but crazy...I started off with school in the morning, rode my bike and barely got to class on time. My classes haven't been too exciting...but I think I've been understanding most of the material. I guess I'll find out soon enough...

So I've been look for a nice road bike and kinda leaning on this guy: http://www.bikesdirect.com/products/mercier/corvus_al8.htm

But I've been getting recommendations to just look around for used ones but who knows, maybe I'll see what God has for me about bikes. Maybe I'll buy a nice used one for like $200 and then use the $600 for Kendall's school or to buy others bikes...

Note to self...pay off $110 debt from parents...and figure out what happened to my suit...

Anyways, so after school, I hung out at Yaks. I met this cool guy, Allen, we chatted and sounds like God was really moving in his life and purifying him and everything...it was just...awesome. We kept talking till I figured out what I wanted to drink...

Ok...wrapping up today, played football at Caldwell...crazy, 9 vs. 9 guys in tackle football...fun stuff, and no one got hurt...so now I'm at home and I just ate 2 burritos, a bagel, orange juice and water...and I could still eat more...

I need to go shower now...

Tired...

2008-08-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

Today was a weird day for me. I went to school...got out of school...rode my bike home and made pizza. I make some bomb pizzas by the way...heh, "bomb" is the word over in NY, kinda like "hella" here...

Anyways, I decided to work on shirts and stencils, so I gathered my stuff and headed to my stencil work area. Starbucks. Oh Simpson Yaks is the new hang out during the week for me...

I was set. I was zoned in to just spend the day with God, as I was pretty tired mentally and physically and wanted to work on stencils, read the Bible, journal, and read Simply Christian.

Nope. A friend I haven't seen for a bit calls and wants to hang out. Awesome. I love my friend, but I'm not gonna lie, I was not up for this. Not only that, it's one of those weird relationships where I love hanging out with the person, but never had a serious conversation with and get this weird pressure that I have to go out and figure out the best way to have fun. I guess it's because I don't know his interest...

Anyways, I got coffee to help wake up and I had a great time with my bud. I got to know him a bit more and I hope I didn't scare him off but stirred him a bit when we talked about God. It sounded like he is having trouble with his faith...possibly because of the people he hangs with...

It frustrates me...I want to just proclaim how amazing God is when you give your heart to him and he provides back, but I wasn't sure how he would take it. I just hope God reaches out to him since he seemed in a state of confusion.

Anyways, there's more but I'm not sure if I want to blog about it. Ask me if you like.

Oh and I still need to figure out a road bike to get...

Revival

2008-08-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

Something is brewing.

I felt it...it's something God put on my heart on Sunday. It's an idea my friend has been wanting and predicting this year.

It's a dream of revival...

Sunday night, I was hit by the spirit hard during the worship at the end of the service. I was almost knocked to the ground. My legs were shaking....I felt like I just did a hard sprint up a hill, with my legs weak and fragile and my breath short. I continued to worship and amazingly I was still able to sing...Strangest encounter with God I ever had...simply amazing.

Anyways...God told me simply to reach out and make disciples at Shasta College. Maybe this will blend in together with Simpson's revival...

Noises

2008-08-20T00:45:00.001-07:00

There I was...caught completely off guard. There were very few faces I would want to accidently run into, let alone talk to, yet I continued on it. It was turning into another one of those days where my integrity was smashed and my temper was short after work. My patience was tested and out the window after getting behind a van that would brake after it accelerated to a godly speed of 10 mph, and an acura that would brake for green lights. I was ready to...relax.

I ended up walking into my well-familiar spot, and my day seemed to instantly restore itself. Thank God for the friends he's placed in my life. Nice, friendly faces belonging to my friendly friends renewed me with words of encouragement and compliments. The best part of it...I didn't even have to say anything. Not one word mentioned about disheartening state of mind I was in...

My day took off from there. It was...the outmost perfect day of all summer; a incredible sunset, perfect weather with a nice, slight breeze as I sat alone simply enjoying God's company. I was in complete harmony, can't imagine the last time I've been more relaxed.

All alone. Slowing down. Thinking. Listening. Watching. Pause. Three second delay. Silence...then piano.

Hmm..."sing me something soft, sad and delicate, loud and out of key, sing me anything..."

Ipod playing...love that song.

God revealed something new to me as I came to a stop. When I wasn't concerned about his plans for me...when I stopped thinking "What's next?"...I was able to be at peace and see the beauty in everything. The funny lady wearing a purple shirt and purple bandana sitting across from a guy with a purple shirt also. The group of friends laughing while playing Scrabble. The women discussing the craziness of their jobs and families. I understood, I didn't need to hear the world. God showed me his glory in everyone and everything.

Strange. I never imagined blocking out the overwhelming world noises by listening to my ipod. The world volume on low...everything is...peaceful. The music soothing...no more distractions, just listening to God...

Unconscious States

2008-08-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

God moved me tonight. I'll post more on it later but it was pretty intense. Pray for me if anyone reads this and make sure I stay on track.

With your hands on my shoulder
A meaningless movement
A movie script ending
And the patrons are leaving, leaving

Passing through unconscious states
When I awoke I was on the high-way

Today of Recap

2008-08-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

Go to bed at 4

Cat wakes me up...again

Driving to Bethel. Jesus told me to skip Bethel. Went to eat with family.

Finishing up stencil and making shirts.

Ride my bike to the Stirring

Get 'unsweaty'

Worship God and listen to Nate

Thinking...what to say to her

Show new shirts, hopefully more ideas.

Talk to her, nervous, forgot my thoughts...then freedom in my life again.

Ride over to Starbucks and hung out.

Home...time for bed yet...maybe

Tired of being exhausted...

2008-08-08T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'm extremely, flat out drained of almost all energy. How my mind manages to compose complete sentences, I don't even know nor would I want to try...

Anyways, I went on a trip to Portland and haven't fully recovered. To make a story short, it was pretty enjoyable despite all of the driving. I went with my father and we ended up going to the waterfalls in Oregon, you've probably seen pictures of them. Including the ticket but not food, the trip probably cost me about $250-300...a chunk of change there but it's just money.

Tomorrow, possibly in the morning, I'll write a more poetic blog or my more interesting writing styles. I'm just too tired right now...

When you read this, definitely pray for me. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, and if it weren't for my faith and Jesus, I'm positive things would be worse...especially for a friend of mine

I want change

2008-08-06T00:33:00.000-07:00

God has recently inspired my heart if you haven't heard. It happened to a common late and normal summer night, very much like any summer night you never had.

I'll cut to the chase...

I have become obsessed with graphic designs. More specifically for right now, I'm trying to create my own shirts from stencil designs. I've did screen printing and had success, but it took a lot of time so I'm switching to a much quicker method which is best known as stenciling. After all, I'm getting old so time to speed up time...?

I'll be post my shirts up eventually...

So about those curious pictures on the side...well this guy is my new hero perhaps...besides Batman.

The name: Banksy
Profile: Guerilla Graffiti Artist

This guy is awesome. His identity is unknown and his vandalistic stencil art is glorified among many. I'm pretty sure vandalistic isn't a word but whatever...He has done stencil art in London, New York, LA, and Israel, much of which portray his feelings on the values society withhold and scrutinies of the mass media. Ironically, he has been all over the news and his art has become so infamous that he has his own gallery and his art has been sold for up to half a million!
More on him here...

But man, what a stud...